Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper, or use a baking stone.
Open can of crescent dough and unroll onto parchment paper. Press or roll out into a 16 “ L x 9” W rectangle. Bake until light golden brown, about 15 minutes. Transfer to a cooling rack and cool about 20 minutes.
While the crust is baking and cooling, prepare the filling and toppings. In a medium size bowl, using an electric mixer, combine the cream cheese, mayonnaise, and ranch packet. Mix until smooth and well combined; set aside. Clean and chop the veggies. You may use any combination that your family prefers.
After crust is cool, transfer to a flat surface to cut football shape. Place the board on the crust to trace around, using the tip of a sharp knife, or trace board onto parchment paper, cut it out, and use that as the pattern to cut. Place football crust onto a serving platter.
Spread the cream cheese filling evenly over the crust. Arrange the vegetables, ham, and salami over the filling. Top with the shredded cheese. Cut the provolone cheese into pieces and arrange in middle of the football to look like the laces.
Refrigerate until ready to serve. Cut into desired size wedges to serve.